The tips of my fingers tingle.
This feeling crawls up my arms and reaches my shoulders.
The tension feels like an elephant is hoisted on my back.
And then...I realized...I haven't had my medication.
It started about 2 years ago. I noticed that my cozy cubicle in my Corporate America job had become like a cold jail cell at San Juan. That was the beginning of my misery. Micromanagement and being treated like a number had certainly taken its toll on me. Shortly after, the migraines and insomnia began. I wondered what was going on with me to make me feel so terrible all the time. I then got my answer. Anxiety is defined as "a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder." (dictionary.com) I wasn't crazy, I was simply overcome with stress.
I tried natural herbs to help me sleep and teas to minimize the headaches. This did not help in anyway. It was time to seek professional help. What I learned is that I was suffering from high anxiety and at that point, the only way to get through it was with medicinal help. I was also advised that the stress was a major reason for my weight gain, despite serious efforts to lose weight.
I struggled each day to remember to take my prescription. I just couldn't come to grips that I needed drugs to make me sane. Each attack would always start small like a snowball and would end like an avalanche. In the end, I would be bedridden for an entire day. I had to make a change.
Consistency became my new favorite word. I knew that if i could just become consistent my troubles would end. This was a big mistake to believe. Consistency alone would not solve my problems. The only way to solve the anxiety was to remove the cause of the stress. That is why I made the decision to leave that cause of stress. 4 years of unhappiness was enough.
There are no easy decisions. Lights on or lights off? Microwave or stove top? Paper or plastic? At the end of the day someone is unhappy. I chose for that person not to be me. That is how I found peace within.
(Co-Written with excerpts by Ayunna Strickland)
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